Still Rises the Sun (A Gentleman's Agreement)

Their houses touch like fingertips.

With sealed doors and sealed lips,

they’re letting go; they’ve lost their grips.

They all know me by name but not my

stories and previous pains.

With tin-can telephones they begin to discuss.

Directions and trust.

Their connections adjust.

Sticking out in my mind, like serpents they constrict

these ties that bind us together.

Haunting me in person with wishes of choice

and I try but with throat dry, dead is my voice.

I know what’s right and what must be done but

in the end, lust won, and when the moon

backs down, still rises the sun.

Losing Track and Traction

Am I sliding backwards? Have I lost my mind? Is it in the past and that's what I'm sliding back to find?

I feel as though I've come to a door-less wall in my life. All the progress means nothing, much like everything I've learned and experienced. I've always felt wise and mature as many have told me that I am. I've always heard that the more people tell you that you are something, the more you start to believe it. However, I've never claimed to be a great person. I'm far from it actually. I've done many horrible things in my life, even recently, but one thing I've always been guilty of is trying too hard. It gets me in terrible situations and I guess I have to realize that I do it to myself. I've always cared too much and it's weird to think that it's even a possibility but when you always end up getting hurt, it must be. I just still can't decide why I even allow myself to get hurt anyway. Maybe I feel that since I give so much and try so hard that it's all owed to me in return. It's never returned. Or at least it hasn't been yet but I've run out of time so I guess it never will be. I'd like to say sorry to every person I've ever hurt and thank you to every person that's ever had any form of impact on my life but surely that is far from feasible.

Construction

They all turned into wood around me so I built
a town out of their natural bodies.
An empty town.
Only me and my thoughts so I talked to myself
to keep company.
I sanded off everyone's faces so they weren't looking
at me when I shut the doors that were
made out of their extremities.
It was either them or me and now I burn petrified
bodies through the winter freeze.
I appreciate everything they've given me and I'm sure
they'd be happy to know they were put to good use.
I cut loose, dancing in the town square.
Luckily they had no faces so they couldn't stare but
they could hear my feet sweeping and tapping away.
They started moving and the buildings swayed.
They began breaking apart and turning back into humans.
I thought they would kill me but they were just pleased
that I moved them.

Aware.

How do you change your nature? How do you forcefully become a better person? Is it determined that we must act the way we grow up acting? One thing I don't understand is that when we're aware of something we're doing that we don't like, it still seems quite difficult to change it; I mean, as far as our character or personalities. I can't imagine that too many people actually enjoy treating others badly. They have to be aware that they do it. So why would they continue doing it, knowing that it's happening? I fall victim to this as well. I hate a lot of things I do. I try to convince myself that I need to change those things. I try to convince myself that I'll be able to accept those things that make me angry or that I insult. No matter how many times I think that and try, it doesn't change. It seems like it's just the way that I am and it's not something that I can change. When I realize that, it makes me think that I'm a bad person or that I don't like myself. Too many thoughts on my mind. Who am I?

Exit My Life

I just woke from a month-long dream where everything
seemed to be close to the way it needed to be.
How are you supposed to feel when you have no idea
what is real anymore?
Do I exist?
Am I creating everything and everyone around me?
It can't be.
I would never intentionally make myself suffer like this.
I've been comatose with high hopes and cold hands
with no one to warm either of them.
I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean with nothing
to grab on to.
I'm just wading violently in the throws of the sea with
a head full of nonsense that'll surely make me sink.
I want my head to be so clear that you can see through it.
Exit my life.
Exit everything you thought you knew about me.
I've been forced to question myself; my wit, my wisdom, my intelligence.
I might not be who I thought I was.
I've fallen in a trap and all my senses shut down.
I'm a hypocrite.
I always asked "Why the fuck would they do that?" or "How did he let that happen?"
when I would see this shit in the movies.
I've done it to myself. I see it's easier said than done.
Exit my life.

fuck.

You're a fucking nightmare that I can't wake up from
or maybe I just can't ever fall asleep and I'm stuck in a loop
of these identical days, overwhelmed by your ways.
Maybe I'm dead and this is my Hell, filled with your games
and meaningless, blank stares.

Ribs

I obviously need new ribs because my heart
isn't protected like it should be.
I'm auctioning off the old ones to the highest bidder.
Gonna buy a new set and a fancy dinner, alone.
There is that period before I buy the new bones where
the top half of my body's gonna fold like laundry.
I'll build a splint out of sticks and stones so I can stand
straight up and dance like I mean it.
When I get my new cage put in it's place,
I'm going to say everything I really feel
right to your face.
Right before you open your mouth to speak,
I'm going to stretch really well and get ready
to test out their durability.

Dedicated to her...and her...and her...and her...and...

Fuck you. You're not worthy of something so real. Convenience can only get you so far. You suck the blood out of anything good and full of life. You're immortal for what? Selfishness? Absolutely. You're a parasite. A representative of demoralization. You're natural disasters. You're removed from me. By me. For me. Fuck you.

This Area

I want so badly to not give a single fuck. I'm disappointed in myself on a daily basis for allowing myself to get disappointed. It's all so sadly routine now that I'm not sure why I still feel surprised when it happens. How can you possibly be let down when you're as low as you can get? The top of my head is barely breaking the surface. I stopped breathing long ago. So how do I keep going? I try to think about it but it's the only time my mind goes blank. Normally, it's cluster-fucked with so many convoluted thoughts that I can't even focus on what's right in front of me. I feel myself going in a less-than-ideal direction and I'm not sure how to cut off the path. I know I've been in this area before but most likely under different circumstances. It's beginning to feel hopeless. I open my window and look outside but it looks exactly the same as it does in here. Empty.

Old Water

Let me work my way under your skin
to make amends with the bones I've picked.
I licked the blood off my hands and kissed
my window so the moon shone through red.
A comforting glow in a familiar place.
Much like your voice and your face.
I can taste the way you left on the air and
I can't decide if I care.
Washed it down with a glass of old water.
Reminds me of a trip to the river.
I almost drowned and the last thought on my mind
before I was okay with it was that I was glad to
finally be found.

Birds. Words.

I fell asleep with a haunting sound in my head and
a poisonous taste on my tongue.
I dreamed of blood-colored waterfalls and coffins full of eyeballs.
All blue, all staring at me like they all knew.
I woke up with a song fully written in my head.
I sang it aloud, quite loudly, and everyone stared at me with disgust.
I wrote it down and it looked so different.
I walked outside and the sky fell on my face.
I ate all I could and thanked the world.
I went back to bed with clouds on my head.
I don't believe in God but I said a prayer regardless.
I couldn't sleep this night.
The birds in my hair told me all the secrets the others
had sent them away with.
I put them in a cage and kept them close.
All the secrets were about me.

Maybe.

He woke up drenched in cold sweat, immediately feeling around for his cell phone with his eyes still closed. He had hoped that she had text messaged him but all that was there was the time; very early in the morning. He always has trouble sleeping and can't go back once he wakes in a panic. He gets out of bed and changes his shirt because it's cold and the sweat-covered shirt makes it even colder. He wonders why he sweats that way when it's as cold as it is. It must be the dreams. The intensity of the dreams. He paces around his room, thinking. Always thinking too much. Thinking about things that matter more than he would like them to. Thinking of ways to make them change for the better. He walks down the street to buy a soda from a vending machine. Something good to mix with. It's far too cold outside and his hand numbs as he carries the canned beverage home. He gets goosebumps as he enters his apartment and feels the significant change in temperature. He puts the soda in the freezer and runs a bath. No bubbles. He has some but he hates to have to rinse them off. He puts on some ambient music to help relax him. He gets into the water. It thaws his extremities. He stares down at his body in disgust. She crosses his mind along with many sensual thoughts. He touches himself but gives up quickly. It's far too cold. He's not in for long as he remembers that he put the soda in the freezer. He drains the water, gets out, dries himself quickly. He gets into comfortable clothes. He goes to the freezer and pours the soda into a large glass followed by an ample amount of triple distilled vodka. He sits on the couch and puts on a movie for background. He realizes that Nicole Kidman is still sexy. He sits, thinking, again. It's always her. He might be irritated but he still has good things cross his mind. He's angry that he's alone. Maybe at her, maybe at himself. He thinks about times they traveled, times they talked, times they fucked and said "I love you." He wonders if there's something wrong with his phone since no one has texted him. He turns it off and back on. Still nothing. He drinks his drink, quickly. He likes to get straight to the point...with everything. He tries to decide if he's pathetic or if he's just separated. He knows what he wants and he knows that it's close but maybe it's not as close as he thinks. Maybe it's not even there. Maybe he's still dreaming. Maybe is a very general, vague term.

Vodkaboom!

Drinking a dream so it's inside me like a vitamin.
It would make me healthy but it's a poison.
My organs quiver as it enters and my mind blurs with
my vision and my speech.
Buhhhhh.
Buhhhhhhh.
My face is sliding off my head.

Glass Jaw

Don't say things you can't put back in your mouth.
You've got a glass jaw and it's breaks so easily when
you speak too much.
I'll force feed you the leftover lies that didn't go down
the first time.

Summer Spirit

I wanna live in a haunted house with plenty of spirits
because I myself have none.
They can lay on me like a cool blanket
in the Summer and make me feel at home.
We'd get close and call each other by name.

Origin

I found some words that mattered once when your hands and feet were smaller.
To a father from a daughter.
They were under the bed where you used to sleep.
Hidden between the fears that kept you up at night.
I put them in my pocket and washed them by accident.
They lost some meaning and the purpose changed but
we use them like they're good as new.
Do they hurt your mouth too?
My gums are sore but I can't help but to use them more.
Over time, I forgot where they came from.
Where they were born.
Where they grew up and became a truth or a lie or an excuse.
Where they first got put to use.
Like you and I, they were much younger then.
They didn't know any better then than we do now.
Let's fall asleep under your childhood bed and use them wisely.

Drugs

Your skin peeled away from your face and the hate oozed from your eyes.
You're addicted to lies.
Killing yourself a day at a time.
Every one of those days is a day that I tried.
I've wanted you to be addicted to me.
Need me in your system.
Feel me in your brain, your veins.
Subconsciously speak my name.
Wake up confused with a little bit of me on your tongue.
Am I done?
I am an owl and you are an ass.
When you deteriorate enough, you can have my heart to keep you alive.

How?

I looked past the "mistakes" and the lies, waiting to be surprised but unfortunately, it's always the same. Other than the excuses, nothing changes. How do you say "I love you" but put your heart in other hands? How can you know what's meant to be but turn away in times of need? How do you admit to being wrong but continue to sing the same song repeatedly? All I know for certain is that I love and I care. I'd like to think I could depend more on there being a tomorrow or the next day but not even that is as sure as I am. My heart woke me up and told me and I have no choice but to listen and agree. After all, it is an important part of me. She has become much the same. My face has become her name. My mind has become her body. Alas, I can count the number of times I've been able to count on her on one hand. Luckily, I have two hands.

The Moans and Our Grinding Bones

As I thought it, I said what I meant and

I invented a common connection for us.

The direction's a plus but what really got

me was the affection and lust.

I fell for the moans and our grinding bones.

They're weak and worn, nearly to dust.

Like a bird, I absorb the sky, turning

blue like I can't breathe.

You're caught in my throat with no need.

Just to be there. Just to be there.

Just to know you still matter, forcefully.

 

Dog's Vision

I change like the seasons.
The colors in my face.
Do they have seasons in space?
Do they have colors in space?
Is everything black and white like a dog's vision?
Do you dream in color?
Do you dream with precision?
I've made a decision to dream in color, in any
space I please.
I can always depend on my hands to put me back together
when my body falls apart.
Did they know it would be like this when they invented the world?
Did they know the sky would stay up there?
I had a dream that it was me.
The inventor. The sky. The space. The color.

Halves

I'm dangerously close to ending the world.
I'm growing tired of being overlooked.
Ignored. Dismissed. Forgotten.
Underestimated.
Lead on and fucked off.
Manipulated.
Disintegrated.
They've taken my heart out in my sleep and
they're dangling it in front of my face as I
wake and take my last breath.
I mutter partial words that mean nothing as a whole.
They never did.
They never will.
You can't get anywhere with halves.

New

...and everyone changed the looks on their faces.
Everyone changed their excuses and ran in different directions.
I took the fall for them all and landed with a smile on my face.
I'm in a new place with a new name and no one will ever
look at me the same.
No one will ever ask me why I did it.
No one will ever tell me who I am.
I will never tell them where I came from and I will
never shake their hands.
I will never look them in the eyes and I will never
lead them to my home.
I will sleep in my bed alone.
I will wake up in my bed alone.

Crossing Paths

Every day is the same day except for the ones when I see her. I just wait for each to pass so I can do everything again and hope that she and I cross paths in the process. I thought I had the world figured out but that's just naivety at best. I wish I were wise so I could understand why I know that I'll never know. I'd say it's just experience but I feel as though I'm too young for that to be the case. I always like to think that maybe I'll get lucky but it hasn't worked so far.

The Good Fight and the Promised Land

I wish I could know what the words really mean. I'd like to know if they're literal or if there's something hiding behind them. It's like there are words wearing masks made of other words. I know the obvious obstacles but I also know how I feel and what really matters. I know what is supposed to be done and I know what's actually happening. What I don't know is how to get the point across. There are steps I could take to make it known but there are risks involved that I'd rather not allow. I can't lose focus and I can't lose the battle. I can't lose the main component. I can't give up and I can't give in. I've been persistent for myself and created what I've become. I must also push forward with this. I know what it's worth and why it must be done.

I've Learned A Lot These Days

It's apparent that you've lost your way so I'll
stay back and call your name until it sounds
the way it used to.
Maybe then you can begin your trip home and
I'll whisper all those sweet nothings you love
to guide you along the way.
I'll have my touch ready for when you return
so let the longing burn to keep you warm
until you're within my reach.
I've learned a lot these days.
I've learned a lot.
About me.
About who I am and who I can be.

Safe

I am a wounded vessel.
She is my lighthouse, guiding me home safely.

Yeah

Her eyes illuminate my teeth as I smile and I taste
her stare for a bittersweet while.
The ground moves beneath us as I shake in
rhythm with my heart quake.
I take what I can get.
She's only here for a minute but
time stands still so I stay in it.
She starts to walk away in slow motion.
Time returns to normal and she's gone.

Days

It's been two weeks since I've felt her perfect skin
and kissed her perfect kiss.
Too long since I've smelled her perfect scent and
heard her perfect voice.
Some days, I wish I had the Neuralyzer from Men in Black
to erase my memory.
Most days, I'm so grateful to see her in my head.
These days, I think I'm going in crazy.
These days, I know I'm in love.

With the Sun in Our Eyes

We drive together listening to Margot.
I hold her left hand with my right as I
steer us in the right direction with my left.
We smile with the sun in our eyes as we
realize there's nothing to be afraid of.
We have it all and it can only get better.
We have places to be and love to make.
When we get home, we watch a quirky
documentary and talk about it afterwards.
I tell her I love her and I mean it.
She smiles and replies the same.
I feel her warmth and smell that wonderful smell
of her lotion from across the sofa.
We get closer and cuddle and call each other
cute names.
It's the best day of my life.
It's the best day of my life every day.
It's the best day of my life every day she's there.

A Ghost in Their Throats

I got it and I've tried to give it but they just don't get it.
I'm a ghost in their throats and they taste me but they choke.
They forfeit love for convenience and I still try to make my
presence known but it's hard to see a ghost whose
energy is close to none.
Am I haunting or just providing a comfort they didn't know they needed?
I try a simple approach by taking their hands as they
took my heart but I make their fingers freeze and my aura
breaks apart.
It's becoming harder to tell if I'm here or there.
Can they hear me or see me or read what I write?
Or do they purposefully spite me by sleeping at night?
Because I'm restless but maybe ghosts just don't get to dream.

Furniture for Future Friends

I get so tired of sleeping alone so I begin talking to

the skeletons in my closet 6 feet away as I lay there

trying to doze off.

They tell me stories about all the mistakes I've made and

all the love I've lost.

They remind me of how far I haven't really come.

In hopes of forgetting my past, I disassemble them and

make them into furniture for future friends to sit on.

We can share stories of times we never had and

what we want to become.

Overture

I tried as hard as I could and when that didn't work I tried again. I tried many more times than I probably ever should have. It got me nowhere. I wasted so much of my time, heart, and my mind. I'm completely worn out. I'm tired and sore and broken. I feel numb besides the literal pain I can feel in my heart. I'm so alone. Even when I'm around people, I feel so isolated. I hate the fact that I for once in my life was starting to feel proud of myself and gaining a sense of optimism toward my future. This has ruined it all. It's crushed any ambition and desire and passion. I feel so careless toward anything now. My mind is encased in her. I can't get past it. I can't stop. I constantly feel like I'm going to vomit as the thoughts cross my mind and I ache. I miss a million things about her that fuck my head up. I miss feeling like anything mattered. I miss feeling like I mattered. They've all dismissed me as relevant to their lives and to their hearts as they are to mine. I think I'm dead. I know I'm dead inside. I can't think straight and when I try to distract myself, my distractions are distracted by the thoughts of her. There's no getting past it. It's not changing. She's too stubborn to let herself know or accept it. I'm too naive to accept that there's no chance. Alas, this is the end...

Prey

I remember when I first became an animal and you pushed
me away because you couldn't handle change.
I was on the hunt and you would hide inside yourself, hoping
I couldn't see through you but I always could.

You've built a vindictive spirit inside of me with

rusty nails and water-logged wood.

...

Wearing Your Name Out

I fell off your mind and wore your name outside.
Backwards like an ambulance so they could read it
in their mirrors as I followed them.
When I reached them, I told them how you taste.
I told them how we wasted our lives and realized too late.
I asked them for advice but they turned the other way.
I'm on a lonely path again, covered in your face.
Not a trace of truth and not a bit of faith.

*

I couldn't even look past her.
It's like she was standing on the edge of the world and there
was nothing beyond it.
She was the end; the ultimate goal...
but how do I get to her?
She seemed to be frozen and I couldn't even tell if
she could see me, too.
Maybe she was looking beyond me as I stood in plain sight.
I tried to get her attention but she didn't react.
She wasn't acknowledging my presence.
I pulled a star from the sky and threw it in her direction.
It severed a lock of her hair and it floated away in the breeze.
She was yet to move.
I hesitantly moved toward her...

Anomaly

I fell asleep in the deep end of your presence.
I dreamed that I walked the sky like Perseus with winged sandals.
You were holding my hand alongside me and we made sure to get close to
the sun like Icarus so the wings would burn and we could fall into the sea
together.
We don't die.
We live there like Triton and spread the word of our hearts.








I don't like this one but I'm not gonna scrap it.

A Blanket Made of My Own Skin

I've fallen in love with an idea; a thought.
A dream perhaps.
A vision of a future with comfort and meaning.
I think I dreamed that I had that dream.
It doesn't exist, twofold.
I've been told that I'm too wrapped up in myself.
A blanket made of my own skin to keep me warm.
I wrap others in the blanket and I can see their breath.

H1N1

Flowin' verbal catastrophes like a tidal wave comin' after me. I just happen to be rappin' for free but other's gettin' paid to, rappin' at me and I don't feel shit happen to me. I'll move your heart with words like it's some kind of surgery. Lyrical scalpel severing your arteries. I ain't a muthafuckin' martyr, please. It's harder to die for a cause than it is from disease. You can call me swine flu 'cuz I'm sick as fuck. One day I started rappin' and that shit just stuck.


Hahahahaha!

A Good Nightmare

I love a good nightmare.
Sometimes they're better than a normal dream.
The kind that make you think all day.
Make you wonder what it all means.
Make you wonder if you're missing something.

The Artist and the Architect

We drop our jaws in awe of what we were,
what we can be, and what we will become.
Time goes by and it smells like a difference.
We'll follow it, never find it, but discover every
single other thing there is to know.
When we are done we will look up at the sun
and never turn away because there's nothing left.
Nothing to know, nothing to forget.
We just listen but nothing stays and nothing goes away.
We are frozen in the sand, hand in hand, with
burnt faces peeling away.
Layers of lies and stills of secrets never kept.
The birds will eat our thoughts and teach the sky
everything it needs to know to never fall apart.
The sun will be burned into our bones.
Our image, burned into the sun.

Old Professions (Extended Version)

I used to be an arsonist who only burned bridges,

but I told a friend "sweet dreams" and she dreamed

that I died.

Now my bridges are intact but they can't support the weight of wishing.

So I hover over slowly, careful not to fall.

She's waiting on the other side with her face no longer there.

I used to be an astronaut but I got stars in my eyes.

With too much space to be alone I traveled home.

I took a path I'd never gone and lost my name along the way.

For a short time I saw the future but then morning came.

My body didn't work that day...

I used to be a wizard but my magic disappeared.

I dreamed of ways to get more mana but I'd always

wake up.

I threw my wand in a pond and it turned into a black hole.

I ran for my life but life didn't run for me.

We tripped and fell and got sucked into Hell.

I used to be an aviator but I knocked down the sky.

It crushed everything I loved. Left, was just you and I.

I gathered the clouds, the blue, and the Sun and 

carried them up a tree.

I got to the top and it dawned on me that everything

was in my hands.

Super Unoriginal Literal Bullshit but This is How I Feel

I'm crumbling. Or shattering.
Whatever a human does that is the equivalent of glass breaking into millions of pieces
or a clod of dirt dissipating when a child throws it against a hard surface. I'm turning to
dust and blowing away in the wind like Josh Hartnett at the end of 30 Days of Night.
I'm lost or way too found.
I'm on the verge of giving up on things that I thought were the point.
My heart is beating faster than normal but I can't feel it.
At least I know it's there I guess.
I'm so distracted. So confused. So torn down. Worn down.
I try so hard for so long and put myself through gauntlets of painful torture
to end up really getting nowhere at all.
I'm a fucking masochist.
I'm an idiot.
I'm a hypocrite.
I'm alone.
I try to accept the things that have come.
I try, like I always try.
I believe and I trust and I hope and I care and I feel and I help and I fail.
I die inside.
More than once.
I'm dead inside.
For good.
I thought I was wise.
That's what they told me.
Well fuck wisdom.
Fuck maturity.
Fuck my head up and my heart up and my mind up like you do.
Like I do.
It's my fault.
I allow it.
I coax it.
I cuddle it and kiss it and fuck it.
I love it.
I'm like a tiger that escapes from the zoo once.
I live my life all caged up and I act like I'm okay with it.
Then I break out and make some progress, but you don't get too far.
You get killed. Put fucking down.
So I'm at that juncture.
The crossroads.
The decisions.
The game show.
Life.

!

I don't handle it well when you tell what you have to tell.
Please release your hand from my throat.
I promise I won't say a word.
I've swallowed them all.
If anything, I'll cut open my stomach so they can spill at your feet.
I'll reach down.
I'll reach down.
If I can open my eyes, I'll read your mind and fill in the blanks with things that will never matter.
All the things that you pretended to love.
The future.
A home.
The future. A home.

Untitled

That vixen, so full of trickery.
Demoralizing my mind, my words.
Breaking down my truth and living there within.
A routine worn thin with abrasive sin.
Scrubbing at my fingernails to wash out the blood.
Scratching at my eyes to ruin what I've seen.
This is not the blood of another.
It's the blood of what I've been.

Temporary Solutions

Anything that isnt a solution will make the matters worse or stay the same.
It's not going to get better.
So stay the night with me.
Kiss me more.
Feel me, feel you.
It feels so good. So right. So real.
I'll shave for you.

Multiverse

I've built a boat from hollow bones I found in my father's home.

With hopes that it is buoyant, I set out upon the sea.

I wish to find the other side with another you and me.

I can see if they're just like us or if they're the way we're meant to be.

I'll bring them back in my boat of bones to show us, us.

Once in a Blue Moon

Plagued with uncomfortable thoughts picking at my mind like termites eating away at the foundation of a once-solid home. Many times I thought I could go anywhere I wanted with nothing to bring me back to where I started but I've found myself to be wrong more often than not. Once in a blue moon, I can see the sky and clear my head of everything making me ask "why?" but only once in a blue moon. Sometimes in my dreams, I can't lift my arms to shake hands with strangers.

Ecdysis

I'm doing you the favor I could never do myself.
I've shed my skin; my shell.
I carry it in a sack on my travels away.
They ask me why and I say,
"In case the time comes for me to return to my old self; the realist who never gained anything and lost touch with the world."

Constellation Face

Constellation face, shining, blinding.
Galaxy mouth, whispering night sky mellow lies.
I'm floating free in a space with seldom seen faces.
They have no eyes and disguise themselves as part of the sky.
I live within myself because home is where the heart is.

My Hands Are Simply Hands

I soak my brittle bones in whatever I can find to soothe them.
I’ve been fighting against the wind to get back to places I’ve been
in the past that have helped me become who I am.
I have so many questions and few answers for those who would like 
to question me as well. 
My hands are simply hands and I do with them what I can.
Bring me to those places and I’ll share with you what little I have left. 
I’m sorry I don’t have more to offer but if I can correct the things I wish to, 
there’ll be more where that came from for you in the future. 
Let’s hope for the best. Hold my hand along the way because 
I can’t seem to see through the haze. 

Stepping Stone

She takes his feet while he's asleep. She can't stand on her own. 

He's her fucking stepping stone.

The more he realizes that she's merely an apparition, the more he feels real.

The more he tries to disappear, the more visible he becomes.

He crawls to cover, dragging his legs behind him. 

She's always there to press her foot into the back of his head, forcing his face into the Earth.

Patience

I've built you out of words, from scratch,

and when you fell from my mouth and sounded like

a secret, I lied to myself to try to keep it.

I slept four days in a row with my dry mouth wide open

and you snuck away with my voice so you could

tell the world.

They listened but they've already forgotten.

They tried to write it down but they can't spell

a single word.

You can't find your way back if you never knew where you were going.
I wait, patiently though, for my voice; my truth.

I can create another you.

Time Travel

My eyes sunken like ships once sailed.
Restless and weary, my words have failed.
There have been times when she's been in bed with him and
I've been alone with the thought of her.
My skin slides down.
My shadow no longer there.
I've lost so much sleep that I've gone back in time but I can't speak.
I can't fix the mistakes and replace my future with what should make me, me.
I hold hands with strangers when they let me but once we get to the other side, they let me go.
Lately, if I'm moving, I'm running, because I'm trying to catch up.

A Vague Vision

In the past, I've never really focused on a future. It's always been a vague thought in the back of my mind amongst priorities and dreams as I lived the day to day routine. Obviously, you can't predict the future but you can influence the path of your own. Lately, it's become more of a vague vision rather than just a thought. Something more attainable. As I'm still living from one day to the next and trying to get some sleep somewhere in between, I find myself realizing more that I can make something happen. It's almost as if I have an idea made out of clay and each day I can mold it a little bit more into the shape I wish. Clay hardens over time and will limit what I can manage to do with it so I have to act now! I have to take advantage of opportunities.

Untitleddddddd

You told me the glass was half full but I spilled my drink 
and in the moment it took me to blink, you had disappeared. 
I sat down on a cliff and told you to pull up a seat
but the heat slowed you down and I jumped before grabbing your hand 
or telling you what I had to say.
You're always close in my dreams but I don't get much sleep these days.

A Lesser Being

I've lost control of my arms. 

Stretching outwards for things that aren't within my reach.

I feel the air and nothing else there but the crow's feathers falling from the trees.

Whether or not I can breathe doesn't matter to me because

my arms do as they please. 

I see a man with my hopes in his hands and my heart on the ground beside him.

There's a neon sign behind him that says "You are a lesser being."

He's smiling bigger than I've ever been able.

I yell to him but he shakes his head and takes his sign and wanders on,

leaving my hopes and heart behind.

Self Proclaimed Prophet. A Wizard of Sorts.

I've placed my heart in less capable hands than my own,
with dirty nails and broken bones.
I've loaned my ideas to minds much younger than mine to find
they've been used in ways I never intended.
I've mended broken promises and made up for lost time
by sharing my love and predicting the futures of those around me.
I've been found alone down by the water, in the shade.
Their smiles fade as their mouths open to ask their questions.
They've interrupted my dreams.
They've asked far too much of me.
I remove my organs one by one and place them onto the scale.
I replace them with their word; their bond.

"Why It Scares Me" by La Dispute

At times I’ve shouted out unprovoked, at the world, and you,
just to see if the people around me react.
Sometimes I think they’re all acting.
At times I’m scared that I’m acting too.
 Like, my movements are stage directions.
Was that a change in topic or a beat in a scene?
Have I been taking my emotional cues from a script I wrote at sixteen?


Maybe I just think about it all so much 
That the fear stays close to all the ghosts I’ve touched.
Makes me question;
Was it love or just lust?
Caked in blood or old rust?
I don’t know. 


Don’t we remember all the moments we remember the best
framed in poems and in pictures, sang aloud in refrains?
Does this cycle of pain and disdain for the past
not work exactly the same?


Maybe it’s just as much about what comes our way as it is how we react.
Just as much about the things that we’ve still got as it is about the things we lack.
I know we won’t always keep around those we feel we need.
Some will fade in frames, some were born to leave.
But if we’re still here, and we still breathe,
at least we’ve still got time to figure it out.
To know what to do.
To know how to feel.
Know the things that I’ve been making up inside my head, and
to know what’s real.
I want to believe that the way I am is just the way it goes.
For the things that came, not the things I chose 
to come. 
I want to know if I had any control.
I want to know if it’d comfort me.


And if my heart just stops, pack my memories in it.
I want to know all the love I’ve got.
And if my heart just stops, keep me alive for a minute.
I want to know if a curtain drops. 

Got Faith in the Fact That Fate's Got My Back

a malfunctioning machine.
my mind is the wizard creating the static in my dreams. 
waking up to live out the acts and overacted scenes.
i'm a work in progress, trying to work out the in-betweens.
i'm on the fence, trying to make sense of what it all means.

Scavenger

I'm walking through the desert, alone.
Vultures overhead searching for scraps, like me, and I'm
surrounded by their shadows.
I'd rather have hopes than water.
I'd rather have a son than a daughter.
But the sun is calling me out.
Watching my every move and challenging me.
The cracks in the ground are my flaws and what I can't seem
to find is everything I never had that I needed.

Astral Projection and Hearts at a Distance Pt. 3

My body is aging along with my mind. My body grows weak while my thoughts and ideas grow stronger and prosper. And at the end when my body gives, I want you to be there to take my body and mind and do with them as you please. I've been sitting around this table with men that one-up me with wisdom. They tell me I'm doing the right thing in pursuing my heart's desire. You seldom have the chance to feel full and predict your future and with that in sight, you never give up.

A Conversation (Rough Draft)

They watched the smoke dance with the flames as the wind delicately tickled their skin. His elbows and toes were pressed into the sand as he lay on his stomach looking upwards.

This feels like a poem. You know?

Yeah. I think so too.

Do you still write?

As much as I can.

Good. Glad to hear it.

He smiles, shyly.

Do you know everything you write by heart?

Yes. No. Well, usually. The ones I like at least. I tend to read them a lot and recite them in my head. I don’t think it’s wrong to appreciate your own work now and then. Plus, sometimes I have to read them a few times before I understand them.

You don’t know what you mean when you’re writing?

Well, I do. I just discover more depth even after I write. It’s hard to explain.

What do you think happens when you die?

Whoa, random. Um. You’re dead. I don’t know. I’ll find out when the time comes.

Don’t you wonder?

I have. I try not to. It’s too much to wrap your mind around.

What do you want once you’re dead?

To be remembered. Loved. Thought about. Only in happiness though.

Do you want to be cremated?

Yeah I guess so. I think most people do. Most people I know anyway. My dad wasn’t  though. I’m not sure why, but it makes me wonder. Maybe it doesn’t matter either way. You’re dead. I only want to be cremated so I can be spread places instead of just being in the ground.

Where would you want your ashes spread?

Well. I had a dream once about this. Ever since then, this is the way I’ve wanted it to be. I want my ashes to be put inside helium filled balloons. Hoping that I have someone very close to me at that time, I want them to let the balloons go over the ocean.

Where?

Hmm…Monterey. Or Seattle. I’ll decide closer to the time, if I know it’s coming. I figure the balloons will rise pretty high above the clouds before the pressure will make them pop. Then my ashes will sprinkle down to the sea. I would like that. Even if fish eat me. I’ll stay in the sea.

What if the fish that eat you are caught, by fisherman or something?

Someone will eat those fish and then I’ll live on in someone else. Many possibilities, you know? Either way, I’ll still be somewhere, or many places. Better than just rotting in the ground. I think so.

He pictured the balloons in his head. Multiple colors drifting upwards and slowly vanishing through the clouds. She laid there staring at him as he seemed to drift away himself.

Are you ok?

Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry. Just thinking about it.

Dying?

More or less. Other things too. Do you think you could love me?

I do love you.

I mean, like, really love me. Not let go of me.

I’m right here. What do you mean?

Well you’re not in love with me. I’m just company.

I love your company and I love you. Can we drop it? For now. I’m enjoying this.

Okay. Sorry.

No need to apologize. I understand. I’m just really enjoying being here right now.

Me too. I’m glad you chose to come. I missed this.

She smiled at him but only as distant as a smile could be visible. He had already forgot about death as his mind was being smothered by her voice. He stared at her as she looked into the fire. Stray copper hairs floating gracefully in the mellow sea breeze. Her crystal blue eyes were masked by the orange glow of the flames. He wanted to speak to her more about love, but he knew he was better off. He closed his eyes slowly only to open them immediately knowing he could easily fall asleep. This wasn’t a night he wanted to dream through. His lips were dry and lightly salted like crisp, curved pretzels from the sand and air. He licked them continuously only making them worse. She looked at him and smiled again.

There’s lovers out there right now. Doing this same thing in a similar place.

We’re not lovers.

I know but you get what I’m saying. It’s odd to think that somewhere else in the world, there’s a guy and a girl on a beach talking by a fire.

Maybe there’s not.

I believe there is. There has to be. There’s too many people and not enough combinations of things to do. Windowless world.

What?

We can’t see out. We can see the sky but that’s it. We can’t see the other side. We can’t see the meanings. The truths of anything we want to. Nothing to see through but transparent people. I want to see more than that. I want to look through it all and know.

I think I know what you mean.

I can’t really explain it. I’m just getting tired of dreaming up theories but at the same time, if I knew what everything meant, I’d have nothing to look forward to.

You have a whole life ahead of you. Opportunities. Love.

That’s minuscule compared to what I mean. The whole picture. Life. Death. The universe. All the things that everyone wonders about but don’t care about enough to think too long. I don’t do anything anymore. I just think. Thinking doesn’t get you anywhere. I just get more lost and more caught up in my thoughts but I have nothing to distract me from my distractions.

I’m sorry. You seem the same.

I’m sure I am more or less. I’ve just lost touch with everyone. Myself included. It usually feels safe. Safe, then scary.

Scary? What are you scared of?

I don’t know. Completely losing touch with myself and anyone I care about. You. Us.

Astral Projection and Hearts at a Distance Pt. 2

My view from here is askew. I'm squinting to make out your face, your eyes, and your breath from your lips. It's cold. So cold. I'm not sure where I'm standing. Maybe I'm not me. I know that's you though. It has to be. I can hear your heart beating in sync with mine. I'm so close but you're still too far for me to feel you. I try to yell but my voice is non-existent. I just breathe heavily like I've been running for days. I have been running for days. Maybe not here, but in my dreams. I run to you, and away from anything else. Nothing can ever catch me when it wants to. I'm not very fast. I just know how to hide in plain sight. Maybe if I sit here in the cold long enough you'll glance in my direction and see what you've been missing...

Astral Projection and Hearts at a Distance Pt. 1

I send my soul in her direction to remind her that I'm still here. Much like a pigeon; a messenger. I'm still the same man but a man that's found his heart and it's purpose. We've fallen out of routine and I can't find my way back. She's put walls in the way and I can't find the tools needed to dissolve them. Am I lonely? No. I'm a man on a mission. A man in search of what he once had. The faultless emotion. The feeling of completion. Of comfort. Of promise and the ability to feel the future. To see that perfect picture towards the end of the road. But it's missing now. It's like it's wrapped in plastic. Not being saved, but just obstructing my view. I need to break the walls and remove the plastic. It's all very discouraging but I keep pushing forward with the hope in mind that I will see her face again and hear her voice. The hope that we'll be face to face when I awaken from dreams that she starred in. I know she feels me but does she remember? I miss using my five senses to know her. I miss her stare and I miss knowing how she feels. I'm growing from the inside out, rapidly. My heart is almost on the outside pulsating in rhythm with how I remember her voice. A song to me. Her eyes destroy me like a natural disaster but I survive so I can endure it as many times as she can provide it. If she only knew...

If she only knew...
If she only knew...
If she only knew...

Trying

She passed by me like a stranger but caught my eye.

Now my vision’s blurry unless she’s in sight.

She’s vague in my dreams but I can feel her presence.

She’s always with me.

My heart stopped beating but then I remembered her.

I remembered our love.

I remembered her smile.

Her eyes.

Her warmth.

Her laugh.

Her comfort.

Her touch.

I remembered that it beats for her.

Keeping us in sync.

Like a perfect song that I can’t get tired of.

A song that I wrote that I couldn’t be more proud of.

My masterpiece.

This Translucent Mask

I've wrapped my head in cellophane to preserve my thoughts.
I can't breathe but I don't know if it's more important to stay alive
or to keep what I know from the world.
This translucent mask contorts my expressions.
I look just like I do when you see me in your sleep.
You know it's me but you're not sure why.
Could be my voice but it's never my face.

Lazy Eyes

I wander through days like lazy eyes in an empty face.
Sunken sockets staring into tomorrow.
Lack of sleep and lack of comfort.
She's gone now and I can't help but wonder.
I've been floating six inches off the ground.
I've been falling off of balconies.
I've been in episodes of my favorite shows.
I've been surrounded by people I can't recognize.
They know me but I can't make out their faces.
They know my face even though it feels like it's not even there.
Maybe it was never there at all.
I dream because I can't see.
I dream because I can't live.
I write because I can't speak.
I write because I dream.

Bits & Pieces

Tethered to the sea I don't belong. No longer growing, but drowning in lack of expansion.

I'm standing still while everyone's moving in the same fast pace with the same mask-based face. Plain lives laced with space to move. Space to improve, but no choices to choose.

We watched as we observed nothing at all...

I tore a hole in the sky to see if dreams would drop out.
When I opened my eyes, there was nothing.
I tried to sew it back together but I'm no good with my hands.
I tend to only use them for taking.

Selfish Mistakes

You open up to me.
I reach inside and pull out my connection.
All emotions, thoughts, and meanings.
I don't want to be responsible for how you allow yourself to feel.
How you allow yourself to see and breathe without me, for me.
I sew myself shut but I flushed myself out prior to.
I am not me and I am not you.
We are not us and we are not me.
I've done it incorrectly.
My insides on my out and vice versa.
My organs, dry.
My lungs, now pointless.
My heart and mind for the world to see.
All I can see is me.

Wet Wallet (DREAM)

I'm driving down a dirt road. Way over the speed limit. I reach down to grab something. As I look up I realize I'm about to rear end an old woman who is driving incredibly slow. I swerve right into someone's yard and driveway. I slam on my brakes and slide. The lady keeps driving along slowly, oblivious to me. There's a kid's plastic Big Wheel in my way. I push it out of the way with the car and keep driving. I arrive at a house that my little brother is at. We talk briefly and I begin walking into water. A lake possibly. I'm surprised by the depth and realize that my wallet is in my pocket. I hate when my wallet gets wet. I yell to my brother and throw my wallet to him. A man in a truck pulls up to the house in a hurry. I see him get out and yell at my little brother about the Big Wheel. He says something along the lines of "Tell him I hope he's happy!" I don't think he can see me.

If I Were...

If I were a cloud, I'd be any shape you wanted.
If I were a ghost, with only love you would be haunted.
If I were the sky, for you I'd never be but blue.
If I were the night, I'd bring out all the stars for you.
If I were the sun, I'd give you all my rays.
If I were a year, I'd give you all my days.
If I were the sea, I'd always follow you ashore.
If I were the air, I'd always make sure you had more.
But I am only a man, writing nonsense in the dark.
I must always keep in mind, a bleeding heart attracts the sharks.


Oh my. A severely lame standard stanza love ramble. I apologize. It just happened haha.

Untitled

I've woven my bones into you.
Beginning to end, our lips curve into smiles.
Curve together into a kiss.
I eat out your fears and spit them into the air.
I watch them wash away in the wind with bits of dead skin.
We follow this road into tomorrow.
Awaken by shadows walking away with our light.
Light I've created with severed hands.
Our faces are in the mirror and no longer on our heads.
We paint new faces on each other every day we wake.

Barbers (DREAM)

I'm walking up a city hill with two friends. The area seems foreign to me. We arrive at a barber shop. One of my friends is getting a haircut with me. The other came for company. We walk up the steps and into the shop. It seems to be rather crowded. The three of us wait on a bench near the entrance. One of the barbers motions to another to greet us. He comes over to us and tells us that we're good looking. He's Russian. The first barber tells him to go ahead and "do it." He tells my friend to step outside with him. I look at him, confused. He walks my friend outside. I get up to follow. My other friend stays. As I come outside, I see the barber holding my friend from behind. My friend is struggling. The man lifts an ether-soaked rag up towards my friend's face. I yell. I run down to the man and pull his arm over his shoulder and slam him into the ground. My friend runs up the hill. I run in the opposite direction. I come to an area with huts and sheds. Many broke down cars in the area. I hide behind a portion of a wall. A man grabs me and tells me I have to leave. I ask him to be quiet and tell him a man is trying to kill me. The barber that I slammed into the ground walks by 20 yards away. The man behind the wall with me gives me a screwdriver and tells me to get away. I run off and see the barber again. I hide in a shed. There's another man in the shed who tells me I must leave. I explain the same thing to him. He takes my screwdriver and gives me a knife. He says the screwdriver isn't good enough. I run back towards the barber shop.

Decision (DREAM)

I'm in a classroom. Not a classroom. A chamber of commerce. It's a class being held in a chamber of commerce. Some kind of science class. We're listening to the instructor. Massive thunder and lightning outside. An earthquake. Huge earthquake. The instructor directs us all to go outside. It's night time. We're on a mountain side. A cliff is close. I walk to the cliff and look down. There's a road far down that winds around the mountainside. I see the ocean. Another earthquake. As big as the last. Aftershocks. People are screaming. I start to walk back towards the class. I see two girls pointing behind me toward the ocean. I turn around again. A tidal wave. Insanely huge wave forming and making it's way toward us. Most people start to run. I stutter-step forward then freeze. In my head I'm trying to decide whether it's worth running or to just stay and accept what may come. The wave washes in close.

First Death Part 4 (DREAM)

I pull into a parking lot. It's night. Dark. I get out of the car and sit in the passenger seat for some reason. I'm parked next to a truck. Minutes later an SUV pulls into the parking lot. It stops a little ways from me and just stays. The driver opens the door and gets out. My door's already open so I start to stand. He pulls out a gun and points it at me. Right as I open my mouth to say something, he pulls the trigger. I hear nothing. I fall back into my seat and feel blood rush over my face. For a split second I think I've been shot in the head. My vision blurs to white.

First Death Part 3 (DREAM)

I arrive at home. It's like my home now but different. Maybe actually a house rather than an apartment. I get inside and immediately notice that someone has stolen nearly everything. My TV, DVDs, XBOX, amongst many other things. They left a few movies. They put a shitty, smaller TV where my TV was. Everything was trashed. I'm, furious. I start crying.

First Death Part 2 (DREAM)

I'm at a party? Maybe a small get-together. Mostly people I know...I think. I don't know where we are. The house doesn't look familiar. I could be in San Francisco but it seems to be more of a town than a large city. I mingle, barely. Now I'm leaving. I'm on my way out to my car with a girl, I believe. The passenger door to my car is open when I get there. Someone had broken in. Nothing was stolen, just gone through. I don't think there was anything worth stealing. Fuckers.

First Death Part 1 (DREAM)

I'm driving in the pouring rain to San Francisco. I wreck the car about 3 times but I'm fine and so is the car. Not so much as a dent or scratch. Everyone's cars are sliding off the road and smashing into each other. I'm coming up to the toll for the Golden Gate Bridge. I try to roll down my window, put on the brakes, turn down my music, and take my wallet out of my back pocket simultaneously. It doesn't work too well. I slide past the booth person and right through the gate. Fuck it. I keep driving. I'll probably get a ticket in the mail.

Sailing (OLD)

Then the sky said to the sea...
"Won't you sail away with me?"
The sea in all it's epic blue looked up to the sky
as the waves rolled through and said,
"Sail away you say? Whether it's here or there, to or fro,
sailing, my friend, is all I know.
I sail this moment as we speak.
I sail so much for
my waves are weak.
But they'll regain strength and crash hard and high.
Does that at all answer your question, sky?"
The sky stared blank but then came to.
"I guess sailing away is what we already do..."
The sky met the sea's surface and the two blues
combined as one.
Day turned to night as the moon took place of the sun.
The sea and sky lost sight of the clouds but were then
guided by the stars.
They agreed to journey out and that too far could
never be too far...away.

Settling...

We see ourselves alone here but all together we sing.
Songs written by those without tongues.
Those with the largest of lungs and nothing to do but breathe.
Nothing to do but watch the world burn.
Nothing to speak.
Bits of thoughts and pieces of dreams.
The scenery screams in colors and beings.
Bleeding ink of former word.
Sentences formed by whispers heard.
Safe and sound in silence found by blind eyes and hands without fingers.

Ghosts

Love has existed and passed through me like ghosts.
Once and only once but my hopes are much stronger.
I see very little but hear more than most.
Whispers like people.
Beings like words.
I try to grasp the hands but we move quickly in opposite directions.

The Difference Between

Haunting and soulful, you sing a song to me
as January comes, freezing my bones.
I'm set aside but not alone.
I climb to the tops of trees to try and get a better reach.
The clouds are close but you are present.
Climbing down I settle.

She'll Only Be There Forever

She doesn't care that I care far more than I dare.
But when I stare into her eyes and run my hand through her hair,
she feels my feelings.
I have plenty to share.
I imagine what she's thinking and she knows what I dream.
We don't speak of these things though.
They're not quite what they seem.
I wish not to awaken when it's her on my mind.
She'll only be there forever.
That's not enough time.

Abominable

I’ve been driving with my eyes closed.
I’ve been here before.
It sounds like you but it feels like anyone else.
I dreamed that I lit my feet on fire to see how fast I’d run.
You couldn’t catch me but I’ve seen you try harder.
I woke up with third degree burns on my mind.
I feel fine.

Old Professions

I used to be an arsonist who only burned bridges,
but I told a friend "sweet dreams" and she dreamed
that I died.
Now my bridges are intact but they can't support the weight of wishing.
So I hover over slowly, careful not to fall.
She's waiting on the other side with her face no longer there.

I used to be an astronaut but I got stars in my eyes.
With too much space to be alone I traveled home.
I took a path I'd never gone and lost my name along the way.
For a short time I saw the future but then morning came.
My body didn't work that day..

Forces of Nature

There’s frost on the rocks and branches
but she still dances to sounds she hears alone.
She fears the tones and melodies.
I’ve found myself in similar places
chasing dreams that she had without me.
We wake up in the same place but she
always leaves me behind.

Evolve and Believe

Somewhere along the way, I grew legs and walked for days. I then grew arms and thought that everything was within reach. I walked to the beach with no hands and pointed my arms toward the ocean. I jumped in and couldn't swim but just then I grew hands and began...

Anything You Synthesize

Turn it up! Fullscreen it! Amazing video and amazing song. Visual excellence.

Describing Words

The adjective describing my mind will most likely change frequently. Get it?

Waking Up to Old Friends

I was dreaming that I was a railroad worker. I was hammering a spike over and over but it wasn't breaking Earth. I started hammering in different rhythms. I woke up. Thad was knocking on my door. I have this problem with my left ear that I'm not really going to explain right now, but basically, I'm deaf. Anyway...Thad stopped by to shoot the shit for a few and as I went to sleep at 10:30 this morning, our entire conversation was very confusing due in part to the sleep deprivation but also the lack of hearing. It's always nice to see a familiar face. Going back to sleep.

Shells and Shields

I'll never understand why people foolishly take the world for granted. Why people aren't more vigilant when allowing others to enter their lives. You can never be smart enough. You can never be cautious enough. I don't think I'm being unreasonable by saying this, but, a lot of times, judging and questioning may not be a terrible thing. It's safe more often than not.